Hello, I was Jimmy Johnson, your average spoon collector. I liked collecting spoons, new and old. It was my favorite hobby and only hobby sadly :(
I was bored one day, so I decided to buy a spoon off of eBay. It said this:
"YOOSD SPOON POSESED BAI DMON! DO NAWT BAI DESTROY IF U DO DO IT FGT"
Naturally, I decided to buy it. Then I realized that I had to take a dump, so I sat there on the toilet for 5,000 hours. After my lengthy, toilet-clogging bathroom break, the package arrived.
The mailman was standing there, he asked for a signature, when I mentioned the spoon to him, his eyes turned black and started to bleed, and his head started spinning in all directions and he started vomiting.
Naturally, I thought he had Ebola, so we had a coughing contest, shared chili with the same spoon, and kissed each other on the mouth before I sent him to ComicCon.
Then, I opened the spoon. I said "The spoon was aggressive"
I tried to throw the spoon away, but it flew right back into my hand!
I tried to drown it, but it didn't work.
I tried to take a shit on it, but the shit flew right back up my asshole!
I tried my last resort, pulling my pants down and firing a shit laser at it.
That didn't work, because I don't have that ability.
Then, I realized I smoked way too much weed.
I caught Ebola and then I realized I was killeded.